everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she pinky promised me she was 18
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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