dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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