also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
