Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
