Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize