Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
