the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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