wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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