I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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