im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize