I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
