Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
