does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
