Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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