I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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