Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
