you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
