update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
