Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
