Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
