don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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