the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
