Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
