Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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