Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I didn't notice because vodka
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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