did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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