dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
