I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
two words...techno handjob
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
