My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
