If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
