I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
