I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
