I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
