I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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