I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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