Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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