i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
it was like eating out sand paper
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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