I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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