dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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