After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
