I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
