I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
