The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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