My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
