I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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