i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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