all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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