turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we're making bets on your personal life
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize