did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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