I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
