i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
