I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
this beer tastes like vomit already
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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