You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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