i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
