tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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