Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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