So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
