Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
