fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
