Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
