Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
