Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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