Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize