He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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