Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
